here's a thing i've been thinking about

[kalmn]

i'm adopting a kid.

i'm adopting a kid from ethiopia. probably a boy, although i won't know for a while yet.

you know where we keep ethiopia? right next to somalia.

you know where somalis have been moving to, a fair number of them, even though it gets a tad bit colder here than it does there? minnesota, where i live.

there are vast differences between somalis and ethiopians, and not even at that level-- there are various tribes, and various peoples, and where the peoples are is not where the national borders are.

while i'm sure amhara people look different from oromo people look different than somali (the tribe, not the nation) people look different than tigray people look different from the other 80 ethnic groups in ethiopia, i'm also sure that there are at least oromo and somali people in somalia, and likely a lot of the other ethiopian ethnic groups as well.

and i am exceptionally sure that to an average non-african-immigrant minnesotan, the differences are not going to be visible. please note, i am not saying that to your average non-african-immigrant minnesotan all black people look alike (although some people do have that problem); i am saying that while guessing where someone came from by looking at them is likely possible given enough information, most people around here do not have that information.

which means that godot, my soon to be kid, is going to have a lot of people, especially ones he doesn't know, think he's somali (the nation not the people).

you know what the thing people know about somalis here in minnesota? they're the visible muslims here.

i've been worried at some level about islamophobia for a while. i just realized that it's a level of privilege that i don't get to have any more to be worried about it on a theoretical level, or a some of my friends shouldn't come visit me in the states level or a very abstract level at all.

i'm not saying it's the same as being muslim and having all that hate directed at you. because it's not.

but it's still pretty terrifying realizing yet another reason why someone might try to fuck with my kid.

Comments

[daedala]

I wrote a paper in my cross-cultural negotiation class about the taxi problems at the airport (Somali drivers refusing to carry passengers with alcohol). LMK if you'd like to see it; it has somewhat outdated information on local politics.

[serene]

Yes. It's terrible/terrifying to realize there are real dangers out there from which you won't always be able to protect your child. And then you live in love and try not to give in to fear. And then you make it through the best you can. And then you bring that kid over here for such a SMOOOOCH! Can't wait to see Godot's gorgeous little baby face!

[kalmn]

It's terrible/terrifying to realize there are real dangers out there from which you won't always be able to protect your child.

that is NO GOOD and i would like to return it for a refund.

i am going to be such a basketcase. i hope you are expecting lots of panicky emails.

[boliviafang.livejournal.com]

You're going to be a mom. You might even be a mom already. Stop torturing yourself with these theoreticals when you have much more to fear from electrical outlets and tasteless television programming and last minute science fair projects. You have a million things you could be worrying about, but according to Dave Barry, this is much more likely to be a problem you will face:
"You are at McDonald's, and your child has climbed, All By Herself, to the very top of the climbing maze in the kiddie play area. When she gets up there, she begins to cry, very loudly. All of McDonald's has stopped, in mid-chew, to stare. Your child will not say why she is crying, and she will not come down. You have no choice but to crawl all the way to the top of the maze, through tunnels designed for people who are the size of a single one of your thighs. When you reach the top, your child hands you the cause of her distress: a booger. With this item in hand, you must now climb back down."
Now seriously. Stop borrowing trouble. When my friends adopted two children who didn't speak a word of English they didn't even tell anyone. They just let people think the kids were shy. And they never mention adoption. Don't you call attention to differences, and you'll be amazed at how oblivious or even courteous most people are. Pour yourself a glass of something soothing and read some Dr. Seuss so you can have it properly memorized. Make some sock puppets. You're not a social worker or a program administrator, you're a mom.

[bcholmes]

Hey you.

I think you're going to be the best mom ever.

[kalmn]

is there some sort of rule that says the more you worry the better mom you are? because if it's true, i am all over that. (my mom may still have the medal, though. ask me about how my sister and i have never yet had meningitis, sometime.)

[kalmn]

people are going to notice godot is black, whether or not i tell them. and while i obviously have much more control over whether or not the kid wears a seatbelt and a bike helmet (i'm thinking yes, both, all the time, even while bathing), i have no control over whether or not somebody decides that the thing to do is to beat up my kid. so the things i can do is work to change people's minds to make that less likely to happen.

on that note, these are some links that you might want to read; the first one, i'm not sure how much you're going to like being called a liberal ;) but i think it describes what you're talking about. the second one talks about how a colorblind attitude makes it harder to see the damage done by racism.

http://www.timwise.org/2010/06/colorblind-ambition-the-rise-of-post-racial-politics-and-the-retreat-from-racial-equity/
http://www.timwise.org/2010/09/new-study-colorblindness-reduces-kids-ability-to-see-challenge-racism/

[daedala]

Sadly, no. It depends on what you do with your worry. :)

[boliviafang.livejournal.com]

I know *lots of women with children whose skin color doesn't match their own. If I saw you and Godot I would assume your husband was black, just as is the case with my friends and coworkers. I wouldn't think Godot was a muslim extremist cleverly embedding himself at an early age. I think you're looking for trouble before there is any. We have a black president you know. More thanks to you than me, probably ;)

I'm worried that you perceiving everyone around you as having an agenda against your child is going to rub of on those people, and worse, your child.

And by the way, I was harassed and bullied as a child. I was a white surburban kid picked on by other white suburban kids. And it did get physical (not to the point of beating up). My hours had to change at school. I had regular appointments to see the school psychiatrist (like THAT made my relationships with my peers any better). And that was grade school. People, and that includes kids, can be awful. Kids can be *really awful if you ask me. And your kid may face that. Don't treat it as a race issue, treat it as a human issue. Your kid could be beat up because he's gay, or because he's smart, or because he's a talented athlete. You can't obsess about every way a human being can mistreat another or you'll end up like me: never wanting kids because I couldn't stand the thought of mine going through what I did. (And you're the only one I've ever told all that to.)

Your heart is big enough to want a chid no matter what. Don't constrict it with fear now. Let Godot meet your whole big happy heart, full of joy and irrepressible hope. You can get constricted when he says his superhero is Sean White.

[kalmn]

...you really did just say that america is post-racial because the president is black, didn't you? oy.

people are going to notice that godot is black no matter what i worry about. people are going to treat him differently because he's black no matter what i worry about. they may assume my husband is black, they may assume godot is adopted, but they're still going to notice he's black and they're still going to treat him differently because of it.

if you read the two tim wise links, i can give you some more links, talking both about the experiences of people of color in modern america and also talking about the statistics-- who drops out of school, who is imprisoned more, who lives in poverty more. to go back to your original comment, while worrying that someone is going to beat up or kill my kid because they're looking for someone islamic to hurt is probably borrowing trouble and i should worry about something more likely to happen, acknowledging how people of color are treated in this country and teaching godot skills to deal with that is good parenting.

Your heart is big enough to want a chid no matter what.

it would be a good thing if you said right now that you meant "no matter what" to refer to the part where you don't want kids rather than the fact that i'm adopting a kid from ethiopia.

[boliviafang.livejournal.com]

You know I didn't mean anything about his being from Ethiopia. I shouldn't have to explain that I meant no matter all the myriad fears and turmoil and "knowing that forevermore your heart walks outside your body" that comes from having a child. By any means.

[elusis]

This comment is well-meant, but it pretty much captures everything that's problematic about many people's approaches to cross-racial adoption.

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

It is, imho, THE hardest thing about being a parent.

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

I think that people here are less likely to immediately jump to the identity "Muslim" with males (of any age) than with females, as it is far more common for girls and women to wear the clothes of their homeland, including some form of headscarf.

I think that for most parents, hate directed at their children is much harder to deal with than hate directed at themselves.

[snippy]

Worrying is one sign of a good mom--at least you care enough about doing the job to worry. But you still have to do a good job at it.

My kids were the only Jews at school, at least through middle school. The *teachers* didn't know why they were out for the High Holidays. I know that's not what you and Godot will be dealing with, but gives me a tiny peek into it.

It matters that you are thinking ahead. One productive pursuit would be to come up with scenarios and rehearse what you're going to say and do. Now is a good time for that because you're not overwhelmed and exhausted from childcare and the newness of it all.

[sparkymonster]

One thing I thought of that might help, is to think about the diverse cultural resources you kid will have access to. I think one thing that really helps transracially adopted kids is when they aren't visually alone. If that makes sense. Your child will be able to see people around town who look like zie does. A kid at WisCon can meet feminists from a variety of cultures, religions and ethnic backgrounds. I'm also thinking about the great kid's books and toys which have non-white children in them.

[pantryslut]

Undersigned.

[kalmn]

ducttape the child between the dogs?

[kalmn]

ooh. good point. i mean, it will help me stop worrying to think about those things. i am already planning on having them for the kiddo, but it will help me stop worrying.

[figment]

Do you mind if I send the URL for this blog post to a friend of mine at work? Said friend is white and married a man from Senegal and they have kids. And are Muslim. She may be able to give you some input about what it's like to live in MN and have kids who are blessed with more melanin you, and what assumptions she has found people make.

[kalmn]

oh! sure, that'd be fine.

[pantryslut]

More likely, you will find yourself irritated at all the people who imply that you saved him from some terrible fate--like being raised Islamic--by adopting him to your precious and pure white-lady bosom.

[pantryslut]

I always forget you can't edit DW comments :P

Anyway, I also wanted to echo , in that having kids around who are visually similar is actually a big bonus, too.

[pantryslut]

Lots of pillows everywhere.

[sparkymonster]

For me really concrete actions (or the idea of them) helps with the worrying.

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

Actually, you're likely to get that even from people to whom the Muslim aspect never occurs. Adoptive parents ALWAYS seem to get this, even if the kid is from the U.S. and the same color as the parent (presuming that somehow the other person knows of the adoptive relationship).

from a mom of biracial kids who are Muslim

[(Anonymous)]

I am fignment's said friend. White, African husband to 3 brown boys. All of us Muslim (I am a convert of 12 years). I also wore hijab (the Muslim headscarf) for 3 years, which provided a WHOLE 'nother level of understanding what it means to be a *visible* minority in America. and how MANY white people feel about non-white people in this country. It's interesting to read everyone's comments, because there is some understanding, but also a certain lack of experience. Feel free to contact me and we can meet for lunch if you want to discuss this whole topic. I am not an expert, can only share my own experiences. I am a big believer that, especially with race, you can't really take individual experiences and extrapolate. Everyone has unique experiences that vary widely. Read any book written by bi-racial kids and you will get horrible stories, great stories, you really get it all. I know bi-racial kids that have literally never had a racial incident. Now, unfortunately that has not been my experience.

Everyone who says that with kids your heart walks outside your body is right. It is the most blessed, and most painful, thing you will ever do. Then watch people who literally want your child to die interact with said child and, well, fear is something you never even understood before. I will never, ever, forget the woman who watched my son when he was 2-3 years old fall 15 feet and literally step back so he could hit the ground at her feet and THEN block his parents from reaching him, proud of her hate the whole time. I tried desperately not to throw up and reach my son to make sure he did not break his back. Of course you have the constant "Is he really your son?" which just becomes an echo it happens so often. And then you have the parents who won't let their kids touch your kids because, well, god forbid they TOUCH a black kid. I could go on and on.... And then you have the fact that (in general) African Americans will be kinder to you, because the fact that you love a black child generally indicates that you are "safe" and unlikely to treat them with cruelty. And "liberals" who think biracial kids are beautiful and will smile at you and your son all of the time. Life changes. You will learn that what you thought of your country will change, what you thought of people (of all races and ethnicities) will change. Your son will open up a whole new world for you.

When I wore hijab I learned what so many white people really think of minorities (because trust me, many white people treat minorities quite differently when other white people are not around to witness their behavior).... If you want a GREAT book, there is one called "Beyong the whiteness of whiteness" by Jane Lazarre (http://books.google.com/books?id=BuRPZJmK6koC&dq=incredible+white+of+whiteness+book&printsec=frontcover&source=in&hl=en&ei=1neqTLiENZ2N4gbR-bnXAw&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=13&sqi=2&ved=0CFEQ6AEwDA#v=onepage&q&f=false) that is really good at explaining what so many white people are unable to experience when it comes to experiencing racism in America. Written by a woman with black children. Yes, racism is still HUGE in this country, and trust me, when you'll have your son, you'll see.

It's always a question of what you'll do with it. I think it's incredibly dangerous to try and be "color blind" because that's like saying the sky is green when it's blue. Why delude yourself, especially when it's your job to protect your child. But, don't handicap your child with your fear. And don't make things worse than they are.... You can get help and avice from those that have similar experiences. Just hear lots of opinions and see what you respond to...

BTW, it's almost impossible to "prepare" for bad experiences. Usually you are just SO shocked by the cruel behavior that it takes your breath away, too long for you to act appropriately. This is your CHILD, so it feels like somebody stompping with steel boots on your heart. How to prepare for that? Then again, maybe you'll get it happen enough to get used to it (sigh) and then be prepared. Hopefully not.

With all of this said..... Watching your child sigh in sleep, smile at you with pride when he stands on his own.... man, it is SO all worth it.

But yes, it is absolutely terrifying to have a child that is a target for people filled with hatred. Welcome to the world of minorities. Pray a lot. Surround your child with unbelievable love. Tell him that your whole inside lights up when he smiles. That he's the center of your world. And then deal with the bad situations when they happen.

Oh, in my personal opinion, the whole "Muslim" thing won't factor in. MN people tend to recognize Somalis, they have such distinct features. My kids are Muslim and people never assume beforehand they're Muslim. Of course when they find out, well, that adds a whole 'nother level to everything, but that's something else not being discussed her. In general people will just think he's African American and you can deal with those ramifications.

Oh, and to add a touch of "humor," are you married? Because trust me, when you walk around with black/brown children, people WILL look to see if you're wearing a wedding ring and it WILL affect what they then think of you. There is definitely a lot of stereotyping going on with a woman who has a child with a black person unmarried, versus one who marries a black man (neither your scenario, but they won't know this on making assumptions upon meeting you). My friends who are married to black men all laugh about the difference of experiences when we forget to wear our wedding rings in public.

school for diverse kids? FAIR School Dowtown

[(Anonymous)]

Quick note. I'm not sure where you live. But there is a magnet school in Minneapolis (previously called Interdistrict Downtown School, IDDS, now called FAIR School Downtown) on Hennepin and 10th. Built on the mission of diversity, with kids "bussed" in from 12 cities by choice. You have a million biracial kids from the suburbs attending. And then Asians, Hispanics, white and black kids. SO much diversity the kids are all used to meeting their friends' parents and having them any number of colors and combinations. Lots of kids with 2 black parents lighter than biracial kids. You just don't know what the parents look like by the kids. It's always nice for kids to have community. Also, the school takes any racial incident very seriously, and is prepared to handle them with education and knowledge. My son was bullied for having non-straight hair, and I REALLY appreciated the school's handling of the matter. I have no doubt, based on bullying incidents with friends' kids, that a typical public school would have not handled it near as well.

[spiderplanet]

I'm guessing that you won't be the first person to deal with these issues.

Does your adoption agency have any resources to recommend? Ideally, there would be a play group for kids so that they can talk to peers about what frustrates them, and so that parents can talk to each other about what they've done that has worked.